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Widows are a fast-growing segment of the U.S. population, with almost 12 million women currently widowed and another 800,000 joining their ranks each year. Working with a widow, especially in the early stages of her grief, requires a non-traditional approach to financial advising.
It’s reported that 70% of widows change advisors after their spouse dies. Often this is because their prior advisors didn’t understand them. Widows regularly tell me that their financial advisors didn’t pay much attention to them.
“Mostly my advisor just focused on my husband,” I’ve been told. “Those quarterly investment reports never made much sense to me. I didn’t care if I was beating the market or not. I just wanted to know I had enough. And when I cried in his office, he really didn’t know what to do with me. I just wasn’t comfortable working with him anymore. So I left.”
Recommendations for planners
As someone whose husband died six years ago, and as a financial planner whose practice includes many widows, I’ve learned there are six key guidelines for successfully working with female clients after the death of a spouse:
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Listen to her story and talk less. Ask questions. Be an active listener. A good starting point is, “How have these past weeks been for you?”Begin there, rather than jumping right to the investment portfolio. Speak her husband’s name and encourage her to share memories. We widows don’t want the world to forget our husband. It’s okay if she cries, because these will be healing tears.
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Become her new “thinking partner,” so that she trusts that you understand her emotional state. A widow’s “brain freeze” is very real in the early phases of her grief. She will hear your words but not necessarily understand or remember what you say. Even women with advanced academic degrees have problems reading their brokerage statement or balancing a checkbook.Provide a written summary of your meetings, noting action items for you and her. This is especially important during a widow’s stressful transition period when she is often highly forgetful.
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Encourage her to take her time with decisions that don’t need immediate attention. Of course, the funeral happens soon. But she doesn’t need to rebalance her portfolio instantly. If she talks about paying off her home mortgage with life insurance proceeds right away, suggest that she temporarily park this money in a secure money market-type account until she has time to think through her options for this money, which she may need for living expenses.
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Help a new widow feel secure and safe. She is not interested in beating the market. Her main question is, “Am I going to be okay financially?” Her highest priority is to understand her current financial position and maintain a good lifestyle. I’ve worked with multi-millionaire widows who came to my office afraid they would be bag ladies. This is a very common fear.
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Offer to assist with some activities that may overwhelm her. I've accompanied women to their attorneys for estate settlement work. Likewise, I’ve helped widows find good repair services.
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Show compassion and care. In addition to your empathetic support, encourage her to participate in grief-support services as appropriate. Many women enjoy and find hope reading other widow’s stories. Online grief support sites may also be helpful. Hold some meetings in friendly places, such as coffee shops. I have even talked with new widows on my backyard swing, which overlooks a peaceful lake.
Don’t make these mistakes
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During her grief, don’t be insensitive with your language. Avoid saying, “I'm so sorry for your loss.” She didn't lose her husband. If she lost him, she could go and find him. He's dead. He's gone forever. This phrase is a platitude.
Rather, say something like, “I can't begin to understand the pain you’re experiencing now, but I want you to know I'm here to help you.” Keep the focus on her, rather than on your feelings. Of course, if you are a widow or widower yourself, you can acknowledge this. But don’t say to a widow, “I know just how your feel.” Each widow’s journey is unique.
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Don’t use financial jargon or fancy charts and quarterly reports. A new widow isn’t interested in them. Your advice and answers to her questions will be more helpful than just the numbers, which can be overwhelming.
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Don’t aim for the highly efficient meetings that work well with other clients. Your goal isn’t to hurry up the process. Rather, give a widow breathing space as you engage her, listen to her and help her make financial decisions when the time is right. More frequent and shorter meetings are better than three-hour marathon sessions with 10-year financial projections.
As you help widows transition into a new life after loss, you’ll be richly rewarded. Plus, your widowed clients will be loyal and great referral sources – widows enjoy sharing good things with their girlfriends. They will tell other ladies what a great financial advisor and thinking partner you are. Word gets around — guaranteed!
Kathleen M. Rehlis the author of the multi-award winning, Moving Forward on Your Own: A Financial Guidebook for Widows. A widow herself, Dr. Rehl helps financial professionals grow their business with widows, so these women are attracted to you and “stick” with you. She also presents workshops nationally for women’s groups, congregations, foundations, hospice and more on helping widows and those who anticipate widowhood, or have widowed friends or relatives, to be more self-confident, knowledgeable, and secure about their money matters. She is passionate about empowering her “widowed sisters” to take control of their finances.
Read more articles by Kathleen M. Rehl, Ph.D., CFP
