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Advising couples is an art, not a science. As a couples-friendly advisor, you are required to mediate, facilitate and objectively observe your clients. Every couple has a unique dynamic regarding money and working with an advisor. You need to be aware of common emotional traps, often unconsciously set by partners, and how best to avoid them.
In doing so, you will be better equipped to help couples talk openly about money and find creative solutions to resolve financial differences.
Here are three common pitfalls you might encounter while working with couples.
Triangulation
When working with couples, you enter a three-person relationship comprised of you and the couple. Psychologists call this triangulation. It is easy to get caught in the middle of conflicts, and the couple can avoid directly addressing the issues by conversing through you instead of with each other.
Consider this scenario; A husband attends an appointment alone and complains that his wife spends too much money. Instead of directly confronting his wife, he Is choosing to reduce his anxiety by talking about it with you. This might reduce his angst, but it will not change the problem.
The husband believes that if his wife stops spending, everything will be fine. But if you dig a little deeper, you may discover he is tight with money and her spending is reasonable. Or maybe she shops to escape the loneliness she feels in the marriage.
In this situation, the best course of action is to invite her to a meeting with him and facilitate a dialogue between the two spouses about their different viewpoints regarding spending. In this role, you can be an observer of the dynamic and not a participant. If the couple is motivated to change, then the real work begins.
Triangular relationships with couples are unavoidable. While having two advisors attend couples meetings can mitigate the potential for triangulation, it is impractical in most circumstances. Therefore, you need to become adept at identifying this dynamic and develop strategies for counteracting it.
Projection
How many times have you met with a client and thought, “This client is so like me”? Chances are you enjoyed the person and may even recognize shared experiences or opinions.
This is projection; you have taken your own feelings and ascribed them to someone else. The problem is that in actuality, the client’s experience could be vastly different. If you project and over-identify with one member of a couple, you might find yourself advising in ways that are not helpful to both members of the partnership.
For example, a couple comes to you. The wife is worried about saving money for retirement and is annoyed with her husband who does not share her same urgency. As you listen to their story, your mind wanders to a recent discussion you had with your significant other. You know exactly how this woman feels – unheard and unloved. The data are unrelated to this couple and their dilemma, but you project your feelings onto the wife. When they ask for your opinion, you tell the husband he needs to listen more to his wife and start taking retirement savings more seriously.
You have validated the wife’s feelings and know a higher balance in a retirement account is generally a good thing. But what you have failed to do is understand the husband’s perspective. What are his feelings about retirement? By projecting your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs onto this couple’s situation, you lost your curiosity. You did not get all the facts before making your recommendation.
At best, they will be back in your office having the same argument. At worst, the husband will fire you and move to an advisor who takes the time to understand his position.
Personalization
If you have been an advisor for a while, you know clients can act in ways ranging from annoying to downright infuriating. It is paramount that you separate your personal feelings from what is going on with a couple during a he meeting.
It is easy to fall into the trap of defending yourself, especially when a client expresses anger at you. Instead of reacting, take a deep breath and refocus your energy on understanding what this is about for the person or the couple. Your job is not to make everyone happy and tie up all financial conflicts with a big red bow. Instead, you are tasked with translating what each partner is saying about a particular issue and labeling areas of commonality and difference. Sometimes this means being disliked temporarily while advocating for the couple’s best interests.
Managing your emotional reactions during meetings is called advisor self-management. It involves noticing thoughts and feelings that arise in your client work – but not acting on them. Often what is stirred up inside you is not useful to share with the couple. Even if it is, the time to share your thoughts is after you have calmed down and can rationally understand what is going on in the advisor-client relationship.
The best way to handle a hostile client is to be curious. Ask open-ended questions as a way of refocusing the conversation on the clients and their concerns. Keep in mind that when people get scared, they often use anger to feel more in control. If you empathize with the situation, it helps you stay in the room for the rest of the meeting and it calms the client down too.
Conclusion
Understanding the common pitfalls in advising couples will make your work with partners more effective and enjoyable. The insights and interventions I’ve described takes practice. But once mastered, you will find your meetings with couples productive and successful.
Kathleen Burns Kingsbury is the author of "How To Give Financial Advice To Women: Attracting and Retaining High-Net-Worth Female Clients," just released from McGraw-Hill. Kathleen is the founder of KBK Wealth Connection and a wealth psychology expert and behavioral change specialist. She teaches financial services professionals how to connect, communicate and collaborate more effectively with their clients to increase client retention and improve profitability. For more information, visit www.kbkwealthconnection.com.
Read more articles by Kathleen Burns Kingsbury
