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A widow recently contacted me. Her husband was a C-suite executive and handled all the finances. He had a will, but she had no idea how to go about getting everything organized.
She was acutely and understandably stressed.
Her husband handled their finances without professional help, because, “he didn’t want to pay someone to do things he could easily do himself.”
I volunteered to help.
In retrospect, while my intentions were good, I made a critical mistake. I want to share it with you.
The “damsel in distress” syndrome
Until I did the research for this article, I didn’t realize there was something called the “damsel in distress” syndrome. It’s technically defined as, “where you feel compelled to ‘rescue’ your partner, often at your own expense.”
Although the widow who called me was a stranger, she was a woman in crisis and I (as a male) felt compelled to help her. I was genuine in my concern, but those of us who exhibit this syndrome may actually hope our behavior would be reciprocated with love and affection and be rewarded for our effort.
I wasn’t (consciously) hoping for any reward, but my desire to assist clouded my judgment.
Hammers and nails
You’ve probably heard the expression, “to a hammer, everything is a nail.”
She came to me with a well-defined issue: how to organize her finances. I have a vast network of financial advisors and hourly planners. I immediately put her in touch with a financial planning firm and assigned them the task of sorting through her financial documents and making sense of them.
This involved a meaningful commitment on her part. The firm needed access to financial documents, and she was tasked with the responsibility of going through a disjointed pile of papers to locate them.
With great difficulty, she did so. The firm did a fine job of putting everything on a spreadsheet and creating a budget. This process took almost three months, with constant requests for clarification from her and many Zoom meetings.
Once this process was complete, I recommended an excellent RIA, whose task was limited to investing her assets. Because everything was so well organized, I was able to negotiate a sharply discounted fee.
What did I do wrong?
Psychological ramifications of widowhood
In retrospect, I should have suggested a very different first step for her: consultation with a mental health professional or just waiting a few months to give her a breather.
I wasn’t sensitive to the profound psychological impact of the loss of a spouse, particularly on women. It’s considered, “one of the most negative life events.” It can lead to disorganization and trauma, which impact women more than men.
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Widows confront a host of economic, social and psychological issues, particularly in the first year or so after the death of a spouse.
They have a higher rate of mental illness than married spouses and have higher levels of traumatic grief, depressive and anxiety symptoms. They also experience loneliness and loss of self-esteem.
What did I do? I added to her stress at a time when she was most vulnerable. I didn’t listen when she told me how anxious and depressed she was, because I was so focused on “fixing” the problems that my “hammer” recognized as a “nail.”
The combination of “damsel in distress syndrome,” with a tendency to ignore issues not within our expertise, is a perfect storm for advisors confronting similar situations.
Don’t repeat my mistake.
Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research of his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online video course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, is in production.
Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
