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I’m gratified to see the “asking questions” bandwagon gaining so much traction. It’s the cornerstone of The Solin Process℠. Unfortunately, there’s a massive amount of misinformation about this subject. I will set the record straight.
Overly simplistic
It’s not a matter of deciding whether to talk or ask questions. To opt for asking questions, you need to overcome a powerful hormonal deterrent.
This Harvard study found disclosing information about yourself is “intrinsically rewarding” and attributed this effect to the release of dopamine in certain areas of the brain. The researchers theorized that “self-disclosing” represents “an event with intrinsic value, in the same way as with primary rewards such as food and sex.”
This finding is a double-edged sword. While it validates the powerful impact of asking questions that trigger self-disclosure, doing so means the questioner must yield this hormonal instinct and selflessly make a gift of it to others.
Unless there’s a compelling reason for doing so (deepening the relationship, generating trust, etc.), few will make this sacrifice.
A flawed assumption
A serious problem with some advice about formulating the “right” question is assuming everyone will respond the same way.
Introverts and extroverts will respond very differently to the same question. For example, if you ask me (an introvert), “Dan, tell me about yourself,” my response would be: “What would you like to know?” That response would convey that I don’t like talking about myself. But, if you have something specific in mind, I will answer your question.
The same query posed to extroverts might stimulate a lengthy soliloquy.
Some “experts” on asking questions suggest this inquiry: “If you only had one day to live, how would you spend it?” To an introvert, and perhaps to others, it’s patronizing and intrusive.
A huge misconception
There’s a huge misconception about asking questions. It’s premised on the flawed belief that your questions should steer the conversation in a particular direction, usually towards subjects you want to discuss.
An example of this type of question is: “What can you tell me about your financial goals?”
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I can’t find any research to support this approach. Your goal is not to impose your agenda on others, but rather to determine their agenda so you can address it.
The Solin Process℠ accomplishes this goal by teaching you how to ask suitable, open-ended questions, initially intended to get to know the prospect better. If you listen carefully to the responses, and ask thoughtful follow-up questions, the prospect will feel comfortable enough to make an inquiry that will indicate what they would like to discuss.
You might also ask this question: “What would you like to talk about?” You’ll be surprised at what you’ll learn.
It’s difficult for advisors to trust the process. They believe if they don’t direct the conversation, they will never have an opportunity to discuss issues relevant to their expertise and services.
I often respond by asking this question: “When is the last time you made a significant decision and didn’t ask the vendor to respond to your concerns?”
The answer is always “never.”
Here’s a question you should ask someone giving advice about asking questions: “What’s the research supporting your view?”
Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research in his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, will be available November 1, 2021.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
