Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
We want to be effective communicators. But achieving that goal isn’t possible unless we overcome barriers we don’t know exist.
Here are four of the most formidable ones.
1. Communication challenges
You’ll never be as good a golfer as Tiger Woods, as prolific a writer as Larry Swedroe or have more than $1 trillion in AUM like Vanguard or BlackRock.
While being a good communicator and increasing your conversion ratio isn’t as daunting as those goals, you will be surprised at how difficult it is.
You’d think it would be easier to communicate with family than strangers, yet at least 27% of adults (over 70 million Americans) are estranged from one or more family members.
That fact is staggering. In many of these situations, a family member has opted for no communication with others within the family. While there may be valid reasons for this breakdown (like physical safety and avoiding a toxic relationship), poor communication is often the culprit.
Being a good communicator is difficult. Don’t underestimate the challenge.
2. You are programmed to be self-absorbed
Effective communication (especially with The Solin Process℠) is premised on focusing on others. You can’t do that without overcoming powerful forces that cause us to believe “it’s all about us.”
The “spotlight effect” is illustrative. That phrase was coined in a study published in 2000 (discussed here). It refers to our tendency to overestimate how much others notice our appearance or behavior.
The reality is that others are too busy focusing on themselves to pay much attention to us. When we do something we think is embarrassing or something about our appearance falls short of our standard, most people don’t notice, although we believe “everyone” is staring at us.
Unless we overcome the spotlight effect, it will be difficult to focus on others.
3. We are the center of our universe
While we all perceive life differently, we do so through the lens of our experiences. As one blogger observed, “The world, quite literally, revolves around you.”
Think about self-talk for a moment. This internal dialogue runs incessantly in your brain. Only you are privy to it. It often reflects your fears, anxieties, issues and ideas.
You can find lots of articles telling you how to change your self-talk from negative to positive thoughts.
But this fact is indisputable: Whether negative or positive, self-talk is always about you.
4. Misinformation about self-focus
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Part of this observation is correct. Few people can put aside their agenda and genuinely focus on others. Most engage in “competitive listening” where they appear to be interested but are just waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can take control of the conversation.
Of course, sometimes there are valid reasons why focusing on yourself may be important to your mental health.
A unique opportunity
The fact that so few of us demonstrate a genuine interest in others presents a unique opportunity.
Is it possible to overcome how we’re built and become that rare person who puts aside their agenda, listens intently and demonstrates a combination of curiosity and empathy?
If you can, it will have a profound impact on both your personal and business relationships.
Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research in his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, will be available November 15, 2021.
Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
