Small Gesture – Huge Impact

Both children expressed unbridled enthusiasm, which surprised him, so he asked: “What was it about this trip that made it so enjoyable for you?”

Their response was insightful. They said: “It was so nice to be around adults who actually talked to us.”

What they meant was deeper than “talked.” We cared about them. We asked them many questions about their lives, their likes, dislikes and preferences for the day’s activities.

My prediction is this trip will always hold a special place in their hearts.

All it took was asking non-judgmental questions.

My college experience

When I was a freshman at Johns Hopkins University, I was assigned a roommate, Paul Prosky. Paul was from New York City. I was from Pittsfield, Massachusetts, a small, working-class town in the heart of the Berkshire mountains.

I had led a sheltered life. When I flew to Baltimore to interview at Johns Hopkins, it was the first time I had ever been on a plane.

Paul’s parents had driven him to the school and were helping him get settled. I was alone, so they very kindly asked me to join them for dinner.

It was a dinner I will never forget although it took place over a half century ago. Paul’s parents were unlike anyone I had ever met. They were sophisticated New Yorkers. I had never even been to New York City.

Their conversation was witty, engaging and spirited. The subjects ranged from culture (about which I knew nothing) to politics, family relationships and interpersonal communications.

I was struck by how open they were with Paul, who participated as an equal and not as a child speaking with a parent.

At one point in the evening, after providing his view on a political issue, Mr. Prosky turned to me and asked this question: “Dan, what’s your view?”

Those four words have remained with me to this day. I remember being dumbstruck. Up to that point, no one had ever asked my opinion about anything. And now, this intellectually superior, charismatic man wanted to know what I thought about a political issue.

While I remember the question so clearly, I can’t recall my response, which is probably because it was so embarrassingly bereft of merit.

What I do recall is how that question made me feel: Valued and important.

I also remember how it caused me to view Paul’s parents: I so liked and respected them. I looked forward to seeing them again.

All because of that one question.

After spending a few weeks with Paul, I learned for the first time that his parents were hugely successful. But during our lengthy dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Prosky never discussed their business. Their focus was outward, towards Paul and ultimately me.

The next time you meet with someone, in any context, remember these stories. Be the person who makes a seismic impression by asking the right questions.

Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research on his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, is currently available.

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