Was Our Holiday Party Too Lavish?

Dear J.G.,

Yes, you must definitely address it.

When something is serious enough to us, in your case moving you to send me this email, it means we should not ignore our concerns about it. We don’t always have to act on what someone says – I apply something I call “the CTS filter,” which is “consider the source.” Sometimes people need to vent, are having a bad day, are generally negative or just like to stir things up. We often know who these people are. When it is someone in one of those categories, maybe we don’t put as much emphasis on what they are bringing to us. However, if it is someone we value – in your case, one of your longest tenured advisors – who raises something, it isn’t easy to put it to the side and ignore it.

It sounds as though you were taken aback by the comment at the time and didn’t respond other than to ask whether it was a client reaction or the reaction of the advisor. He owned his response as belonging to him, so you have leeway to follow up with him and revisit his insight.

The best way to approach this is to tell him it has been bothering you for two reasons:

1. You value and care about optics and you would not want him, the clients or anyone else to have an impression you are recklessly spending money in a year that has been challenging.

2. More importantly, you are concerned about the fact you believed everyone on the team was communicating well about this event; there were updates circulated and costs shared. Yet he did not raise a concern about client impressions until after the event was over – in fact, he did this at the event itself.

The bigger issue is that you have a long-tenured professional who must have had second thoughts somewhere along the way. But for whatever reason he did not find his voice to say anything. This would worry me more because it makes me wonder whether there are other things he sees but he isn’t bringing forward. Certain styles of communication are hesitant to bring up negative reactions or feedback they think won’t be welcomed. They hold things in, but eventually it comes out and often in damaging ways. While you won’t change someone like this fundamentally, you can flag the situation and inquire about why they weren’t comfortable to raise it earlier – maybe even segue into asking if there are other things he has been holding back you should know about!

From an emotional intelligence (EQ) perspective, take a moment to self-reflect on whether the comment bothered you because there is some truth to it. There may not be. I am not judging you for having the party. Situations like this always give us the chance to step back and consider our own motives and why something someone says is bothersome to us.

Dear Bev,

I have a team member who is perpetually quiet. I ask her what I can do to make her job easier, how she is enjoying working with the team (six of us in total including her), and what other training, coaching or support she might like and need.

But I get nothing, absolutely nothing.

She always answers my questions with, “I’m fine.” She is a very talented team member who clients love – she gets back to them right away, always produces high-quality work, is in our office on time, and often the last one to leave. She wanted to come back to our office with the understanding she would have her own office. She comes in, says one word (“Hi”) shuts her door and we don’t see her for the rest of the day. She brings her lunch and will not leave that office unless she has to visit the ladies’ room.

She does great work, and the quality is unbeatable. I am going to bump her salary up at year-end and give her a sizable bonus in the hopes she sees how important she is to me and to our team. But I can’t move past the inability to have a deeper conversation. I grew up in an Italian family and we shared everything. My other four team members like to share ideas, insights, concerns and difficulties. It’s hard to have someone on the team who just doesn’t engage.

She isn’t nasty or unfriendly. I hear her talking through her door on the phone to our clients and she sounds overjoyed and even enthusiastic to speak with them. When someone like this doesn’t engage could it mean she isn’t a team player or she is looking for another job or she just doesn’t care? I don’t know how to read “I’m fine” as a constant refrain.

K.C.

Dear K.C.,

Your question and experience illustrate the nature of behavioral style and the ensuing communication approaches that go along with different styles. You describe your Italian upbringing and your desire to talk and share. You are very likely a “high I,” which means someone who is an influencer, gets energy from being around others and is very verbal.

The teammate you describe is likely opposite – “low I,” which means she is more skeptical and distrusting in relationships and likely gets drained by too much verbal interaction or simply doesn’t see the need for it. I use this lens rather than extrovert versus introvert for exactly the reason you describe – you hear her on the phone through the door talking to clients. “Low I” people can be very talkative; they can and do enjoy engagement with others. They are just much more selective about where, how, when and with whom they do it. If this colleague doesn’t have any problems, doesn’t know what support she needs, and is largely happy in her role, she isn’t going to have a need to talk over things with you.

Leave it with her that you care and will periodically check-in (I recommend once per month) in a more formal manner to ensure you aren’t missing anything or overlooking something that is important to her. Let her know if she does need to communicate something, email is fine (this is often a better option for a low I). Because someone doesn’t need or want to talk about something doesn’t mean they are unhappy or detached from the team. It means, in most cases, they are wired differently and don’t have the desire to share in the same way you would.

People think they can read others because, “That’s what I would be thinking or doing in that situation.” But they can’t. Don’t try and interpret her behaviors through your lens. Get to know her as a person and figure out what’s meaningful to her.

Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. She is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. Beverly is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).

She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.

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